Written in 2011, never published anywhere. © Karen Maeby.
Wait for it. Yep. Crickets. That was basically my love life throughout my school days and half of my college years. I had a few takers but at some point (and quickly), they lost interest. You’ll hear more about that later.
I had so many things stacked against me, like for the fact that I wasn’t pretty and I wasn’t skinny. Oh, and I didn’t have boobs, either. Yep, stack all of those against me at the time and it would have been taller than I.
As a poet and writer, not having love but always yearning for it was such a struggle and kind of damaged me, so to speak. There were many nights where I wrote some of the most depressing poems out there for love. I was always reaching out to someone who wasn’t there, or who was there, but wasn’t. Feel me?
I remember when our choir director was having issues with us not putting passion into singing a love song. (I want to say the song was Love is Like a Red Rose.) She said, “Pretend you are singing this to the person you love.” Boom. ‘Dear future boyfriend or husband, I am singing this song to you. Please be at our concert. Love, me.’ Just kidding about the last part, but still, dude (er, ma’am), I had no one to love (or sing to)!
After reading tons of books and watching so many movies and shows with love as the main key factor, I ended up just milking a bleeding soul. I had to imagine, without knowing, how love felt. And, you know what? People always told me I was ‘beyond my years’ because damn straight I was! Not to mention, I was right about love this whole time.
What was love to me at that point? A best friend, someone who cares for you, does things with you, had fun with on trips, had a deep connection with on every level and so on. Just to let you know in on a secret (again), I had it right, then.
I was more than ready to find “the one”. I never really wanted those high school relationships where you were with someone one minute and then the next you weren’t.
I thought and dreamed in proper terms, like the most amazingly irresistible passion that makes your clothes want to instantly come undone (as seen in Gone With the Wind)! Or, some of the other classic love stories that makes you keep your pants on but yearning for those days. Oh, Mr Darcy. Swoon.
I was plenty lonely and it was awful. If only you people could have seen what I saw out of my two eyes — and what I felt within my heart. It was bad.
Like most lonely teens (and I don’t say that in a snarky way, either because I can relate in so many ways), when I would see couples in love it would affect me. It sent me into several patches of depression, wondering what in the hell was wrong with me that I couldn’t get anyone.
On my senior year prom date, guess what I was doing? I was at home working on Momma’s retirement video which needed to be done that weekend. I didn’t have a date to prom and no one even came near me to ask me, so I was completely fine with it. I later got the video of prom from graphic arts, and eh, I’m perfectly fine with the decision I had made. The decision of which made all of the difference in the world.