Re-embracing the religion of trust in the light.

Million dollar question of the day:
Q: Why is there a package of salmon/nova/lox in the fridge?
A: Because! It’s mine, and it’s my lunch for the week. I’m eating it with challah bread.
Q: Oh, well, I’ve never seen it in there before… that’s why I had to ask.
(They should have known, ha.)

My soul is so stirred up about what happened in New Jersey yesterday. I posted the original Chabad link on my FB page but then they updated a few more times with new information. We’ve got a number of things going on in this country that I just do not know what it’s going to take for the good to take over the bad. Anti-Semitism is on the rise at an alarming pace. There’s a local shooting here, there, everywhere every day happening about every other hour it seems. It’s getting to the point where I’m about to unfollow our local alert page just because there’s nothing but bad news on it. Then, there’s the mass shootings that we find out about right away. I just do not even understand. In one of the latest articles, it was written that the Kosher grocery store was a target. I don’t understand why Jews in New York are being attacked every time they go out. I don’t get any of the hate. At all.

Like I posted, Tikkun olam is the answer to the world’s problems…. but until everyone is on the same page, or the majority of us, nothing’ll ever happen. I dislike saying that, but say that only because–being the nerd I am–I have read books from the 1970s on all of the issues that they were having back then… and guess what? It’s 100% the same exact problem that we are having today. Nothing–at all–has changed. We’ve all aged, there are so many new things and new people helping better the world, but yet, NOTHING has changed. The closer we get into the future the further we fall into the past. How is that even possible? All I can suggest and push forward is that everyone becomes a part of the solution and not the problem. Only half of our souls are woken up to understanding this and the way the Universe works.

The last entry that I wrote on my JM blog before I shut it down was about how lonely it was beginning to be considering I didn’t really have family (like my aunt or grandma) to discuss my Jewishness with.. well, it’s gotten even more lonely. I really miss my safe place and some of my own traditions that I created for myself throughout the almost last two years. I miss all of the Jewish holidays (it seemed like we had like 50 of them together during our new year) and there was always something to do. I miss going to class on a regular basis (my intro class that ended in May) and discussing Judaism on a constant basis. Now that I’m back in rehearsal, I’m not able to attend anything through the week (the new classes that pop up), but–for now (until performances)–I can still attend Shabbat services. After I finish up some responsibilities for my commitments, I’m just going to have to start assigning myself some Judaism-based readings so I can learn and then discuss on here like I used to. Those two months that I stopped writing seemed to really hurt me in my growth, discussion and closeness to a lot of things… now that I’m (sort of, and only sort of) back writing something again I’m at least not so moody or feeling the need to explode inside. I wholeheartedly miss the Jewish portion of my life. There’s a gigantic piece missing and it’s a force to be reckoned with (is that how you say that? does that make sense?)...

The answer has always been Judaism and I don’t know why I allowed myself to be pushed away from it. I’m so ready for Hanukkah but it still seems like moons away. I’m waiting. Impatiently, it seems. Every day for the eight days earlier in the month, I had seen my FB memories of each day of Hanukkah. There was adopting Havali one of those nights, binge-watching Mrs. Maisel, attending our synagogue’s lighting and party, stage managing Coal two of the nights, and other things. I haven’t even brought my Betsey Johnson Dreidel purse out of the closet yet. I must do that before time is up. Oh and remembering how I had blue hair and fingernails for the holiday. (As much as I want the blue hair, it will not happen again. My bathroom looked like I murdered a Smurf. I actually like Smurfs, so I don’t want to do that.) This year I am actually going to be given the first day of Hanukkah off leading into Christmas Eve / Day as a celebratory / honoring holiday. It’s still so shocking how my journey only started in December 2017, studied Oct18-May19 and then converted in June. Hanukkah is the best. It’s when the light came into my life. I can’t wait to get lit. I am going to try to write a recap of the last two years. I need to actually get the story together for my book so I have only one really good written personal narrative and leave it alone instead of always having to re-write it… only adding on as each of the years go by. I have no idea what my Hanukkah schedule will look like, but a good portion of the days might be spent in rehearsals.

On what little downtime I have, I’ve been thinking about my writing, and how I’m going to be moving forward with that. The novels or short stories (that no one has seen because I don’t believe in posting those online because of copyright issues–aka I don’t want them stolen before I publish them) have always had some sort of life lesson attached to them. Always. Every single one. And most of them are 85% based up something narrative because we all know how much I have an issue with even reading fiction. But now that I’m Jewish, I want everything to have some sort of light attached to it. So I’m kind of glad everything happened as it did, because now I can strip everything down, and if it can’t have a bit of Judaism or light or something to do with it… maybe it’s not even worth keeping or publishing or anything. Same with my large poetry book. There will be a few with some exceptions but only a few. With all of the notes I have I am definitely not running out of ideas any time soon… I just need to take the time to do all of this.

As I listen to some of the lyrics and words out of the OBR, I keep applying it to my own life. Something like “Well, it’s the end of the line, boys” then they sing Goodbye Railroad. (And, for the love of everything, I need to stop dreaming about OBR and having these songs stuck in my head when I wake up in the morning!) How do you know you’re at the end of the line and it’s just time to move on? I should know the answer to this, since I’ve done it so many times before on different occasions in different situations. It should get easier with knowing but I’m all kinds of hesitant and scared. For someone who loves change so much, I don’t know why I’m afraid of changing…. it may have something to with failures from attempting change and it not working out, then I’m just disappointed and stuck further in a rut than I was before. Or I’m just afraid of the other side. But I do know the refreshing feeling of making the change and being so glad that I did. Each change I personally had the guts to go through with has only been for the better. Growth is stunted if one doesn’t change. It doesn’t allow learning or trying something new or a possibility to rise to the next level in life… following the ultimate destiny….

Either way, that’s what I’m feeling right now: the end of the line. I feel like I’ve exhausted all I can exhaust at this time where I am now and it’s time to wrap up all the loose ends and move on. We’ll see how soon I can make it happen, but it’s really seriously about that time.

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