Going backwards with the holidays:
On Xmas, I was invited to Neptune’s with a group of ladies (and a few men) and had a blast with one of my closest friends from GCP. I didn’t do the normal Jewish thing of Chinese on Xmas because I am eating Chinese food on Shabbat at CBI. One can only inhale so much Chinese food in a given week.
On Christmas Eve, something I ate the day before made me sick (I am not a carrier monkey, I swear), so I spent the day in bed watching The Office and just sleeping, thinking, Instagramming. Nothing too exciting.
Monday night (2nd night of Hanukkah), I had work and then had rehearsal.
Sunday night (1st night of Hanukkah): I went to CBI’s get together – ate latkes with both sour cream and applesauce, lit the menorah outside, the many inside, then went next door for the service. A funny thing happened. Three of us (from intro class) ended up in the wrong place when we were going to service but we found our way there (after attending yet another candle lighting) and we walked in late to the correct service. Whoopsies. I did not get enough latkes, need more before the holiday is over!
Friday night before Hanukkah: we had our work party. It was a blast. The guys gave me this really huge bottle of Fireball… I keep making that joke it’ll take me 3 years to finish it, but for real, though. It will. So after the party, that Saturday, is when I actually finished the play for one of my bosses and sent it to both of them and they loved it and thought it was very funny. I think I’m going to turn it in for SOAs next year. I also updated/worked on a few more plays but there’s something still missing out of those that I can’t seem to work out right now. Maybe it’s just not time.
Even though I couldn’t wait until Hanukkah, it’s like, I’m just not into celebrating anything this year. There’s the pure loneliness that kicks in and feeling of being completely alone, missing Eisenhower, probably drinking as much as I’ve been doing lately isn’t helping (which isn’t much at all, but still more than me drinking nothing), and etc. What I really want to do in the future is turn the loneliness into something positive… create some kind of get together for people who are alone, don’t have family or family near, etc. and have a potluck or something that lasts all day where people can come/go where we watch movies, play games, or even work/sit in solitude but around someone and meet new people. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve wanted to end my life around this time because of those feelings. I want to help prevent that in others…and myself. I think I also need to work in retail around this time of the year in the future. It was my favorite time when I worked retail…even though people went crazy and it was messy and etc. there was still a lot of spirit and helped being around color and shiny things and the smell of cinnamon. There was a certain energy that got caught.
I think I am just so burnt out with this year and everything that’s happened. I’m at the point where I just don’t want to do anything, even losing passion for the things I love dearly, even more than I had previously. I need to sit down and write everything out so that this next year I can work on everything and get back to a happier spot where the light glows within. Hanukkah just isn’t bringing it out in me…which makes me incredibly sad…because the point is to be the light and make it shine within others… but if your light is burnt out, you can’t help someone else. And mine is been burnt out for a while again, unfortunately.. However, I am trying to pull through by taking a few small steps towards some goals for the top of next year… and I have started on this!
I have to announce (if you didn’t already see on my Facebook) that I fixed the problem I was having with (the majority of) my technology. My computer is still 2 updates behind, but I don’t have time to update that right now nor am I on it long enough for it to matter at the moment. I did update my phone. Hanukkah Miracle (as it was one of the days of Hanukkah): everything that I needed to happen happened within the update… and I can see/find/etc my emails so much better than I did before. Now, on to fixing the contacts issue and everything else I was having. I was doing something on my phone the other day on this blog and accidentally deleted entire paragraphs worth of stuff. Of course, I don’t keep any backups if something is live…so..whoops.
I am also making some tiny changes in my life so I’m hoping that’ll get recognized that I’m making an effort to become better, despite all the stress I’ve been through this year that made me overreact or react in a way that I shouldn’t have. (The things I have not ever mentioned on here or to anyone, really.) Some changes I mention and some are silent so my actions will take over my words. I also got rid of my JewishMaeby Instagram handle and changed it to sheisahava. It just feels right using my Hebrew name. I’ve always been about love with me, even though I may smother the hell out of some people; I’m sorry, it’s all in good intentions and never for any other reason than that.
For those who love Bath & Body Works, I see their 75% sale is on again! Go, go before it’s gone, gone! It’s burrito Thursday at Tijuana Flats, so I am heading there after I finish a few things for rehearsal tonight.
Hell week starts very soon…..Nine days straight of rehearsals going into performances. I won’t be doing anything but work and theatre.
Until next time!