Shabbat Shalom, Happy Friday… it’s time to turn on Rebecca Black’s Friday song. (I’m only sort of kidding.. Save your ears, don’t listen to the song. Ha.)
Apparently there was a big storm and tornado in this area at some point last night into this morning. Well, I guess I slept through that one. I had no idea when it happened, just knew it was coming eventually. I heard nothing. I felt nothing. I was completely knocked out. Thursday morning – at 3/4am – the crabs were being loud monsters again and woke me up super early so I was very tired. They never stopped being loud and annoying, so I didn’t really get back to sleep after that.
For anyone who knows me and has been around me for a while, you know that there’s this legit thing called post-show depression (it works for events too) that hits me pretty hard. After spending so much time working towards something, there’s this huge high while working the show/event, followed by a feeling that would be like someone is letting helium out of a balloon. It’s a slow letdown that everything is over.
I just concluded working ReadOut after being on the committee probably since more than 6 months ago (I can’t even remember). A week before that was OBR. A week or two before OBR auditions/rehearsals, I was working TBW’s Evening For the Bay doing my first work of volunteering in the hospitality section and loving every minute of it. And, few months before that was the SOAs that intertwined with Next Fall which intertwined with my conversion which was led by the finalization of our class. That was just 2019, and a month into this year…. and everything already feels like it was two or three years ago. That’s how far away in my memory it is. That’s why it’s super important for me write things down, because at least then, I remember it like yesterday… as opposed to struggling to remember and not being able and wondering what’s wrong with me that I can’t remember.
Last night I was cleaning up a newer huge mess that started nearly 6 months ago in my living room. All of the things I mentioned above that mess included souvenirs, important papers, notes, schedules, scripts, programs, books, holiday items and whatever else. I started sorting through them, and thought about the entire paragraph above. I have forgotten the really nice feeling of going through things and throwing them away or cleaning up unnecessary clutter.
I’m truly not sure what happened the last couple of months, but it was almost like I was just getting by. I feel like I wasn’t exactly present at anything. My body was, but mind wasn’t. I wasn’t really there, present, in the moment like I should have been. And now, those are moments I know I can never get back.
Truth be told, I still have messes or a shit ton of unfinished business from early 2018 when I went on that crazy journey of doing like 3-4 productions both the first and second half of the year along with working full time, taking my Jewish class and embarking on that, as well as doing other things in between. While doing that, I have neglected a huge part of me – my soul – my well being – things that would make me become a better person or worker or soulful treat to the Universe. I’m never one to turn down opportunities especially if I think I or the other party will benefit from it in whatever positive way. I also needed the experience of everything in 2018 to bridge my future. However, there should have been a limit. I remember a few specific times that I was such a zombie. I had a to-do list a mile long and just kept adding to it, and any time I would open my calendar to show anyone, they’d freak out. “Are you fucking insane?” Well… yes. Also, here I am being crazy and asking for that same 2018 energy. Maybe the energy was a highly contagious positive one right before falling into the zombie state.
I didn’t take care of myself in 2018 and I paid for it in 2019 by being stupid or doing things or saying things that I didn’t really mean to do or say or being someone that I really wasn’t because I was just trying to get by. And here it is the beginning of 2020 and I’m realizing it. At the end of January 2019, I completely locked my heart and brain of ideas and the right kind of creativity and anything else. I didn’t let myself grow on any of that. I completely shut down. Just a few days ago I wrote almost a page and half of notes for our ReadOut debriefing that was chocked full of ideas like I used to have, and I was told they were great ideas. I felt happy after that. I finally unlocked that part of me that I shut off. After being on CBD oil for over a month now, I believe that change is the best yet. I feel better, healthier, back to before I was taking the other junk for my pain. I can actually think again. I don’t feel like a zombie. I feel more me. And I’m back to having ideas again and a true marketing plan and solutions to problems and everything the way it used to be before January 2019.
I’ve become inspired so much by this realization that I am going to be tapping into my past and realizing where I went wrong or why I gave up doing something or got distracted and abandoning things I loved in a previous life. One of them is tapping into why I went from being BSG to completely disliking the boating industry and not wanting to see another boat again. No one can help me find the answers as to when I turned my back. It’s left up to me to find out. Of course, this is one of the major things that I will not be sharing with anyone, unless it’s in a book a lot later down the line. I realize some things are meant to stay private… and taking a trip down “Karen Lane” is definitely one of them. Because it’s for me, and not anyone else. This is where my healing will begin helping me pave my future, my true future, my destined future.
Someone very smart once said to me “decide what is really important and what is just clutter” — I should have listened to that advice a long time ago. That is going to my personal and private lesson that I will be working on every night until I have solved every issue that I may still struggle with to this day. I even put that on a post it note on the back of my front door as a reminder. It’s been up since 2018 I believe.
While we’re on that almost same subject… I have some upcoming things (that are only one or two days or just a few hours) that’ll keep me out and about: helping with auditions next week, LGBTQ movie night, Jewish Food Festival, all the fun Purim things coming up in a month. I will not be participating in the Purim Spiel this year, unfortunately, for all of the reasons above. I feel as if I very much needed it last year due to the coincidences of music fall over from Corset Line to Purim Spiel and before becoming Jewish. This year, I just want to enjoy as an audience member (or help the day of if they need it).
I started reading Liv Ullmann’s book “Changing” last night and I definitely want to write a review of that book when I’m finished. It’s a good one, which kind of inspired me to write this entry, actually.
I don’t know if any of you will understand when I say that this weekend opened up a whole another world to me, another secret door that opened or was uncovered, another piece of myself I have discovered. It was like… I had to be a part of this event (the key) to unlock my feelings or pieces of me that’s been hiding (the treasure chest). What a difference this weekend made me feel. I took a chance on working another event that wasn’t under the realm of theatre. It makes me very happy. I’ve been very weirdly blissfully happy all week (except with the stressful drama Adirae is creating in the CrabHouse and pushing me to the edge having to deal with finding her stealing another crab’s shell while they’re molting) and I know this true blissness is because I am finally uncovering my true self. I am already feeling different. I am already processing and making these healthy choices and changes. … and it’s not just the pieces of me that are broken that I will be repairing and fixing, it’s the happier parts of me too, so that I can be everything I need to be and put my whole entire heart and soul towards loving someone else that will fully love me in the same way, finding and staying in my passions without losing interest, and inspiring people to do the very same.