Originally written 9/26/2013, titled The Quarter Life Freak Out

[2/6/2020: Once again, another blog entry from my past that I copied this over to my blog drafts, comes in handy. This one has a lot to do with what I’m going through right now, so that’s why I’m sharing it. I also feel like I’m going through another life crisis, and I’ve already had plenty to go around. I just want to state this fact: I can honestly 100% say that I am happier than I’ve ever been considering all the things I’m unraveling so that I can live life authentically, and really truly be myself because I am figuring out myself without unnecessary hiding or shoving things deep down inside. I am really seriously working on making myself become better… and I am very, very, very happy on that part. Anyway, if you’re any where near curious about my past, I shall share with you my past….]

Originally written 9/26/2013 (when I was 27).

The Quarter Life Freak Out: Why I’m a 27 year old calling herself a Pirate all the while wanting to become a Lady Captain of the high Seas.

In the last month or so, there have been several {really good} articles surfacing online about turning 25 and freaking out about whether or not they have life in the palm of their hands… according to today’s society.

As I read these articles, I find myself wanting to write one of my own. (Please stay with me, as this is actually really long and I do apologize for that… but my point is made.)

When I was 17, graduating high school, and walking down the aisle to get my diploma – I remember being so worried about not having done enough and I felt some major regrets surfacing within my soul. Everyone else had plans. They had been accepted into colleges of their choice; I, on the other hand, waited until the very last minute to apply to the local college. I didn’t live on campus, and had never lived on campus, so I completely forfeited that “college” experience.

For a first few months of my senior year, I wanted to attend UofL. Then, it changed to NKU. Then, I wanted to go to some school in Pennsylvania but there was no way I could afford it. So… all of those choices just slipped under the table. I started out with ideas of going into music as a major, then it slipped to English. Then, by the time of my 2nd year of college, I was working in retail and thought that’s what I wanted to do… so I left school to do that.

I worked a couple of retail jobs over the span of 4 years before leaving that industry permanently. I was in love with the business side of things, the visual merchandising and the marketing. I then fell into being an administrative assistant, and finally, when moving to Florida I landed a job in the boating industry where I helped build a business and was able to do what I loved doing (from the retail standpoint).

In my middle school years, there was this game that we played called reality store or something like that. We gathered in the library, were given a piece of paper and we had to draw (out of a bag/hat/whatever) what kind of job we had with that salary. We would go around to each table where we had to pay bills and a certain amount was taken off the sheet. That was one of my most memorable times in middle school. I loved that game. Maybe I was already developing my love for ‘real life’ back then.

Out of all of this experience, I have found my real life and hands on experience to be most beneficial for me. Sitting in a classroom was okay but I was often bored and writing poetry or drawing in the corners of my notes.. unless it was a class that was quite interesting (like anything humanities, lol).

I became friends with a lot people from high school on Facebook and watched everyone “grow up” in front of me. I was sad that everyone was finding boyfriends or girlfriends and becoming serious with them, they had a path paved for them, some even got out of the city or state – and I was becoming so envious of them. They were getting a ton of experiences… while I had nothing. I was already freaking about being “older” and my quarter life BEFORE I turned twenty.

In school ~ I was more mature emotionally than a lot of people, but physically (getting to actually “do” things), I was way behind. I hated that. When I was doing research for my book in the first half of the year, I came across soooooo many dreams and goals that I had when growing up. I think that was one of the things that struck my chord of ‘man, one problem I’ve had my entire life is always dreaming and never achieving’ and, with that, I began my journey of finding and exploring me deep within the walls of soul.

Before I jump into that, though, I must mention that life didn’t really begin for me until I was 21-25. I felt like I missed out on so much that so much WAS shoved into those few years. I had the chance to travel a lot (back to Philly, 1st time to NY, 2 times to DC, back to TN, 2 times to FL), moved to North Carolina for two years then Florida, helped close down a store (another check off that bucket list), switched industries, met some of the most amazing people in 2009, etc. Also in a committed relationship…until that changed. All in all, I know I have been blessed with my life choices and life chances and nothing has ever been taken for granted.

But almost turning twenty seven and turning twenty seven has been the best year marker yet. I *finally* achieved that chance to tap into the part of me that’s determined to make my dreams come true. I’m done talking (for the most part) and ready to make things happen. Other than a to-do list, I’ve tried and failed at making bucket lists… If given a chance upon the spot between A and B, do you take it? Perhaps… especially if you didn’t know it was a dream of yours to do that, since it wasn’t on your bucket list, or you hadn’t thought about it before.

I always had a way of letting life control me, I just fell into whatever “career path” of a job that I got at the time. I couldn’t ever make up my mind of what I wanted to do. But it wasn’t until I got to reading some articles about teenagers and I actually got offended, then I realized, “Holy shit. Why am I getting offended at something written about teenagers????? I’m not a teen anymore, I’m (nearly) 27.” But.. that’s sort of a good sign because I still don’t look 27 (I hope) and I feel like I’m still early 20s. I definitely don’t feel my age, and with my thoughts and the way I conduct business, I can be defined as an old soul.

Now that I’ve accidentally told you my entire life history,  I’m getting the point of my writing this entry. Why am I, a female, so interested in Pirate life on the Sea and life as a Captain? All in all, I think it’s the whole life journey thing. It’s hands-on, and you have to be really good at what you’re doing in order to succeed in that world… not only that, but it’s a challenge and I am a woman going into a man’s world. And… a slight pinch of being adored kind of keeps me high.

As a Captain, you are in charge of your ship, the people on your ship and where you’re going. You have to see your course through and through. Viewing myself as a Captain in my own life, I finally have the chance to be in control. I have my map, the compass, directions and determined to go after whatever floats my soul at the moment. The Sea life is also unpredictable. Life is better that way.

Adventure always had me by the heart. I didn’t want kids; for the sheer fact that, if by the drop of a hat, I was asked on a trip, I could leave without any prep other than packing. And, if I were to be a “mom”, I’m such an animal person. I really seriously want one of every animal one day, including the ones from God’s green Earth and his Seas. You guys know how much I gush over my BFF, Mr Hans.

Being a Pirate – being a Sailor – being a Captain gives that ‘flight to freedom’… of which, I love the feeling of. Being free. To do whatever. Whenever. (But how can I say this when I find myself working all the time, haha.)

One day, I really hope that my story changes some younger souls when they read it. As one that has always wanted to be a teacher but never pursued that career, I want to help those teenagers and early 20 year olds who have no clue why they’re here on Earth find their path. To give advice, to be a cheerleader, to help them find their inner Sailor to sail their life and explore… to follow their map that THEY create… and even if you’re a 30+ year old still trying to find what you’re supposed to do – watch The Giant Mechanical Man and your life will be changed.

The last couple of years, I’ve turned my life around. I went from feeling like I’ve not done anything or accomplished anything, to feeling like I have everything in the world by just having dreams come true. I went from no changes in my early years to all the changes in the world – especially this last year. I’m forever grateful for every experience I’ve had and for every second chance I’m given… and for being prepared and given that allotted time to figure out this summer that all I needed to do was to follow my dreams in the industry of which I belong…

At twenty seven, I finally found me. At twenty seven, I finally have a career path. At twenty seven, one of my BIGGEST dreams will be coming true soon: publishing a book: after all the years of talking about doing that. At twenty seven, I have been out on my own for quite some time and have been able to support myself and pay my bills and pay for anything I’ve wanted or needed. At twenty seven, I don’t have a house yet because having a house means settling to me. I don’t want to settle. I would rather own a boat because it can move from place to place.

The only thing missing at twenty seven is #27, that f’ing flamingo I almost had a chance to thief in Vegas last year, but chickened out and ruined my Pirate name. (If you don’t know this joke, then wait to read it in my book.)

MY ADVICE to everyone in the world that’s worrying about finding your path or whether you should be married, having kids or owning a house or whatnot at a certain age… just STOP.

You need to find YOU before YOU settle down. Find your energy and what you want. Never settle. Learn those lessons. Be positive. Be smart. Love life. Take life for what it is. The way you handle your downfalls in life is how your character will be perceived. What you make out of life is totally yours. Please don’t use YOLO. Travel. Journal. Treat yourself well. Love and love often. Just LIVE. STOP making excuses. Dream and dream often. BE DETERMINED. Success is measured in happiness, not materialistic things or money. Don’t pay attention to what other people have. MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE UNIQUE THAN ANYONE ELSE’S. Life’s payoff is yours and yours alone. If you were given one more day to live, will you be happy about how you left? Have you done everything you wanted? Your only regrets should be if you haven’t done something. Live and live well.

Readers, please… for me… LIVE LIFE UNIQUELY. I can’t stress this enough. If you follow the path of everyone else, you will become just another robot. Make your “AMERICAN DREAM” your own and not about white picket fences and children and one career your entire life. Make a change in the world. Contribute. Volunteer. Be lovely. Be yellow when everyone else wears black. Take something that’s broken and nourish it back to life instead of taking something brand new (the results and feelings you will have after this will be better and you will feel better about yourself, too).

If you are continuously positive even when times get really tough, believe me, if you WORK REALLY HARD things will pay off. You will soon find that your dreams are coming true because YOU helped make it happen. Don’t have enough money? Don’t worry because once you have reached happiness and success without that, those material objects really don’t matter, and they’re just extra gems to living life. Dream and DREAM BIG because dreams DO come true… all it takes is YOU and a little (a lot) of effort and work. But, in the end, it is well worth it.

Also, don’t question everything. I found this does not help. Take it as a life lesson and use it to your ability. Life is mysterious for all the right reasons.

[2/6/2020 added note: Dear Younger Me, you are now Jewish, therefore, what the hell were you doing giving advice on not to question everything? YES! DO QUESTION EVERYTHING! IT’S IN YOUR BLOOD. Also, Dear Younger Me: What happened to you when you got older? Why did you let everything consume you and nearly kill you with depression yet again? Get offline, and start doing again. Read your books, write your poetry, make advice become your art, and connect your intuition with your old soul again. Get your shit together, figure out what you truly want, map out your dreams and follow them, because on the other side of that is a beautiful woman waiting to love you and that can’t be done until you are finally you – through and through.]

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