What a v. successful day it has been with getting things on my to-do list completed. My energy level has been way up, and at the speed of lightning! I definitely couldn’t say that yesterday when I took Shabbat for what it is — rest all day long. Woke up super early then rolled back around and suddenly it was mid afternoon. Oops. I have definitely become a full-on hermit crab; though, it is much deserved after working a lot of weekends. Day as follows: staying in, not talking to anyone, catching up on TV shows, cleaning and ordering pizza. I will definitely make up for my hibernating in the upcoming next few weeks when I have events to attend. Anyway, I also need to pay more attention to the calendar, because every full moon I am most active in getting things done. I must have witch tendencies. I have been relying on crystals, wearing my stone bracelets, lighting incense and it’s getting me places. I’m also back to having v. weird dreams again along with tapping back into my psychic side because I’ve been able to guess some things (by intuition) that happened.
I wrote about 5 pages in my private paper journal just scratching the surface of my failures in life. These failures are what one would call “monsters” that I just need to face head-on to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it or whatever the case may be. I went back to 2013 or so to start out. Instead of becoming superbly depressed after that, I actually feel relieved… like this is something I’ve been needing to do for a very long time, but now, the time is here and I’m taking it seriously so that I can put myself on that right path. I won’t be talking about this anymore in great detail or specifics online, however, some of the patterns I have noticed was giving up on something (a dream or goal) and a possible fear of failure/success. I don’t know how the fear of success is actually a thing, but to me, it definitely is. I’m so afraid of failing at points that I either get stuck or just stop trying or lose motivation or something, then it stops me from even being anywhere close to becoming successful. It’s like I may have an opportunity that I absolutely want so much, but then, I think about it and it may turn out to be too big for me and I just don’t think that I can handle it… and I either settle for less than or don’t take the chance to see what would happen….instead of putting on the brave face, facing that irrational fear, and becoming successful at something that challenged me.
Fear plays such a huge role in my life when I’m supposed to be fearless. I love change and I’m addicted to it, but I’m scared of it all the same. I just don’t make any sense sometimes. I give myself a headache. It’s like, I’m really good at helping get things started and really, really good at experiencing or overseeing something and seeing what needs to be improved up on or changed or worked on (and helping do that), but sticking there in the middle when things just become the same every day every week every month… that’s the spot I don’t like so much. I have also lacked some serious confidence and believing in myself. I have a feeling that now I’m just another day closer to knowing who I am that part will become easier and easier as time goes by.
But either way, I feel like facing my failures will result in a some sort of poetry and prose chapbook because it is sort of a poetic topic. And definitely something that was brought on by the depth of soul talk this past weekend at ReadOut. I’m dipping below the surface on this one. We’ll see what kind of art or writings will come out of this experiment, I mean, I may spend a really long time on this and making something out of it. I do have to say I feel a lot better after getting it out, and I just thought of some more, so I need to hit my paper journal in a minute.
So I haven’t read any more on my books yet. I cleaned the CrabHouse and they were freaking out when I was doing that, so I purposely switched all of their furniture around on them. I sort of caught up on Good Trouble, SuperStore and The Goldbergs TV shows all on Hulu. I went through a bunch more papers, finally wrote back to my penpals, and attacked numerous other tasks. I am a such a bag hoarder so I’ve been switching bags lately like it’s nobody’s business, well, I cleaned one of my normal ones out and so much unopened mail from the middle of last year.
I failed so much on being present last year. I don’t know what the fuck happened. I don’t know where I went wrong. I was just getting by – day to day – just merely surviving. There’s this thing I’ve been saying for the past two years and it’s “I just need to get through this month or this event” then I continuously say it about the next one and the next and then there’s no end in sight and suddenly time is so lost that I don’t even remember the day before … only as if it was three years ago. I don’t want to say that or experience that anymore. Everything that I volunteer for or experience should never, ever, ever have to be a “I’ve just gotta get through this” … I’m not sure when that started taking place, but I never want to say it again. I’m going to have to make a swear jar for that one, and any time I feel that way, maybe I shouldn’t be doing it anymore. At least for a while until those feelings pass.
I’m getting ready to find and open the file to ex-blog “Chantilly Lace” .. I’m really honestly not looking forward to re-reading that. I have a feeling I’m going to be super disappointed in myself when I do, considering. I would just delete the entire file, but I think there are some poems on there that I want to save, otherwise, I would throw it right in the computer garbage and hit empty in a heartbeat. I can’t express that feeling enough, and I am being completely sincere. I just want to do that now so that it never lives on my computer and I don’t have to look at it anymore.
I suppose that’s all for now. I have auditions to help with tomorrow and Tuesday night. I’m very much looking forward to my seeing my fireball friend and whoever else will show up… and hopefully, maybe, some of us will go out for drinks or something if it turns out to be a family reunion like most auditions. That would be lovely.