First of all, I have to remember that when I ask the Genie for something, she usually delivers….needless to say I asked for lesbian energy, and I got it, an overabundance full of energy… an overflowing waterfall of energy, so to speak… so much that Sunday I was just drained with/from emotion. I can’t even write about Saturday and Sunday right now because I’m trying to process my thoughts silently before I say them out loud or type them. I guess I need to use a notebook to really figure it all out. I mean, I guess there’s nothing really to figure out, it’s just like when I finished reading Anne Frank’s friend’s book… It’s just a lot. Pieces of the weekend that effects me deeply like so deep within the soul and cutting me open to let me bleed out.. that kind of thing.
There were so many moments that I was brought to tears, especially during the Nia & Ness show and the last event from yesterday where we did a Q&A. I definitely have a lot to say about the Nia & Ness show but I want to email them my thoughts first, then figure out how to put it into words here. Both of the moments I mentioned were so raw – so deep – so real – so everything like I’ve never really felt before. It opened up another piece of me and made me really think.
I almost feel like a fraud. I’m not, if you know me, you know I’m definitely not a fraud. I might be confused sometimes or not know myself (like most don’t anyway) or change their minds (I do that a lot too), but I’ve tried my best to be real as much as I can even if it means hurting my heart/soul/everything. The reason I even say that about myself is because the show and Q&A there were levels of thinking and commenting that went so deep. So much that some people are afraid to look this deep in the eye. I definitely feel like my art (the few paintings I even have) are just surface bound. I’m not Dali – if you see his work – it’s so deep – and you read so much into it. A picture is worth a thousand words. That’s kinda how deep things were, or got. With my writing, I’m there at the surface, but what do I feel underneath? What do I actually really feel? I feel like this experience this weekend will help me improve my writing skills and getting to that level of depth.
One thing that I do want to say since I’m holding everything else back: I told the ladies I was on the ReadOut committee with that while sitting there at the event this weekend I felt as comfortable and at home there with hundreds of lesbians, as I did when I researched Judaism, became Jewish and attending all the events with my Jewish fam. I’m not sure why 2017 Hanukkah was the chosen date, not sure why all the things that happened in 2018 happened the way they did, especially me taking the intro to class because of it not being offered this year, me converting on Anne Frank’s birthday and the other pieces in between while on my Jewish journey. I do not know why some time last year I decided to contact this ReadOut committee and ask to join. Even though I have spent my entire life supporting LOVE of all kinds (I mean.. hello Rent 24/7)…2018 opened up something and brought me to questioning 100%, 2019 brought me to dipping my toes in the water, and 2020: my roaring twenties my very own jazz age I have decided that I am no longer questioning but I know. For a fact. 100%. Just like I knew I was a Jewish soul. And it’s been a long time hiding.
What a journey this is becoming. More from me in a couple of days.