A miraculous change is on the horizon.

Shabbat Shalom, Happy Friday… it’s time to turn on Rebecca Black’s Friday song. (I’m only sort of kidding.. Save your ears, don’t listen to the song. Ha.)

Apparently there was a big storm and tornado in this area at some point last night into this morning. Well, I guess I slept through that one. I had no idea when it happened, just knew it was coming eventually. I heard nothing. I felt nothing. I was completely knocked out. Thursday morning – at 3/4am – the crabs were being loud monsters again and woke me up super early so I was very tired. They never stopped being loud and annoying, so I didn’t really get back to sleep after that.

For anyone who knows me and has been around me for a while, you know that there’s this legit thing called post-show depression (it works for events too) that hits me pretty hard. After spending so much time working towards something, there’s this huge high while working the show/event, followed by a feeling that would be like someone is letting helium out of a balloon. It’s a slow letdown that everything is over.

I just concluded working ReadOut after being on the committee probably since more than 6 months ago (I can’t even remember). A week before that was OBR. A week or two before OBR auditions/rehearsals, I was working TBW’s Evening For the Bay doing my first work of volunteering in the hospitality section and loving every minute of it. And, few months before that was the SOAs that intertwined with Next Fall which intertwined with my conversion which was led by the finalization of our class. That was just 2019, and a month into this year…. and everything already feels like it was two or three years ago. That’s how far away in my memory it is. That’s why it’s super important for me write things down, because at least then, I remember it like yesterday… as opposed to struggling to remember and not being able and wondering what’s wrong with me that I can’t remember.

Last night I was cleaning up a newer huge mess that started nearly 6 months ago in my living room. All of the things I mentioned above that mess included souvenirs, important papers, notes, schedules, scripts, programs, books, holiday items and whatever else. I started sorting through them, and thought about the entire paragraph above. I have forgotten the really nice feeling of going through things and throwing them away or cleaning up unnecessary clutter.

I’m truly not sure what happened the last couple of months, but it was almost like I was just getting by. I feel like I wasn’t exactly present at anything. My body was, but mind wasn’t. I wasn’t really there, present, in the moment like I should have been. And now, those are moments I know I can never get back.

Truth be told, I still have messes or a shit ton of unfinished business from early 2018 when I went on that crazy journey of doing like 3-4 productions both the first and second half of the year along with working full time, taking my Jewish class and embarking on that, as well as doing other things in between. While doing that, I have neglected a huge part of me – my soul – my well being – things that would make me become a better person or worker or soulful treat to the Universe. I’m never one to turn down opportunities especially if I think I or the other party will benefit from it in whatever positive way. I also needed the experience of everything in 2018 to bridge my future. However, there should have been a limit. I remember a few specific times that I was such a zombie. I had a to-do list a mile long and just kept adding to it, and any time I would open my calendar to show anyone, they’d freak out. “Are you fucking insane?” Well… yes. Also, here I am being crazy and asking for that same 2018 energy. Maybe the energy was a highly contagious positive one right before falling into the zombie state.

I didn’t take care of myself in 2018 and I paid for it in 2019 by being stupid or doing things or saying things that I didn’t really mean to do or say or being someone that I really wasn’t because I was just trying to get by. And here it is the beginning of 2020 and I’m realizing it. At the end of January 2019, I completely locked my heart and brain of ideas and the right kind of creativity and anything else. I didn’t let myself grow on any of that. I completely shut down. Just a few days ago I wrote almost a page and half of notes for our ReadOut debriefing that was chocked full of ideas like I used to have, and I was told they were great ideas. I felt happy after that. I finally unlocked that part of me that I shut off. After being on CBD oil for over a month now, I believe that change is the best yet. I feel better, healthier, back to before I was taking the other junk for my pain. I can actually think again. I don’t feel like a zombie. I feel more me. And I’m back to having ideas again and a true marketing plan and solutions to problems and everything the way it used to be before January 2019.

I’ve become inspired so much by this realization that I am going to be tapping into my past and realizing where I went wrong or why I gave up doing something or got distracted and abandoning things I loved in a previous life. One of them is tapping into why I went from being BSG to completely disliking the boating industry and not wanting to see another boat again. No one can help me find the answers as to when I turned my back. It’s left up to me to find out. Of course, this is one of the major things that I will not be sharing with anyone, unless it’s in a book a lot later down the line. I realize some things are meant to stay private… and taking a trip down “Karen Lane” is definitely one of them. Because it’s for me, and not anyone else. This is where my healing will begin helping me pave my future, my true future, my destined future.

Someone very smart once said to me “decide what is really important and what is just clutter” — I should have listened to that advice a long time ago. That is going to my personal and private lesson that I will be working on every night until I have solved every issue that I may still struggle with to this day. I even put that on a post it note on the back of my front door as a reminder. It’s been up since 2018 I believe.

While we’re on that almost same subject… I have some upcoming things (that are only one or two days or just a few hours) that’ll keep me out and about: helping with auditions next week, LGBTQ movie night, Jewish Food Festival, all the fun Purim things coming up in a month. I will not be participating in the Purim Spiel this year, unfortunately, for all of the reasons above. I feel as if I very much needed it last year due to the coincidences of music fall over from Corset Line to Purim Spiel and before becoming Jewish. This year, I just want to enjoy as an audience member (or help the day of if they need it).

I started reading Liv Ullmann’s book “Changing” last night and I definitely want to write a review of that book when I’m finished. It’s a good one, which kind of inspired me to write this entry, actually.

I don’t know if any of you will understand when I say that this weekend opened up a whole another world to me, another secret door that opened or was uncovered, another piece of myself I have discovered. It was like… I had to be a part of this event (the key) to unlock my feelings or pieces of me that’s been hiding (the treasure chest). What a difference this weekend made me feel. I took a chance on working another event that wasn’t under the realm of theatre. It makes me very happy. I’ve been very weirdly blissfully happy all week (except with the stressful drama Adirae is creating in the CrabHouse and pushing me to the edge having to deal with finding her stealing another crab’s shell while they’re molting) and I know this true blissness is because I am finally uncovering my true self. I am already feeling different. I am already processing and making these healthy choices and changes. … and it’s not just the pieces of me that are broken that I will be repairing and fixing, it’s the happier parts of me too, so that I can be everything I need to be and put my whole entire heart and soul towards loving someone else that will fully love me in the same way, finding and staying in my passions without losing interest, and inspiring people to do the very same.

Originally written 9/26/2013, titled The Quarter Life Freak Out

[2/6/2020: Once again, another blog entry from my past that I copied this over to my blog drafts, comes in handy. This one has a lot to do with what I’m going through right now, so that’s why I’m sharing it. I also feel like I’m going through another life crisis, and I’ve already had plenty to go around. I just want to state this fact: I can honestly 100% say that I am happier than I’ve ever been considering all the things I’m unraveling so that I can live life authentically, and really truly be myself because I am figuring out myself without unnecessary hiding or shoving things deep down inside. I am really seriously working on making myself become better… and I am very, very, very happy on that part. Anyway, if you’re any where near curious about my past, I shall share with you my past….]

Originally written 9/26/2013 (when I was 27).

The Quarter Life Freak Out: Why I’m a 27 year old calling herself a Pirate all the while wanting to become a Lady Captain of the high Seas.

In the last month or so, there have been several {really good} articles surfacing online about turning 25 and freaking out about whether or not they have life in the palm of their hands… according to today’s society.

As I read these articles, I find myself wanting to write one of my own. (Please stay with me, as this is actually really long and I do apologize for that… but my point is made.)

When I was 17, graduating high school, and walking down the aisle to get my diploma – I remember being so worried about not having done enough and I felt some major regrets surfacing within my soul. Everyone else had plans. They had been accepted into colleges of their choice; I, on the other hand, waited until the very last minute to apply to the local college. I didn’t live on campus, and had never lived on campus, so I completely forfeited that “college” experience.

For a first few months of my senior year, I wanted to attend UofL. Then, it changed to NKU. Then, I wanted to go to some school in Pennsylvania but there was no way I could afford it. So… all of those choices just slipped under the table. I started out with ideas of going into music as a major, then it slipped to English. Then, by the time of my 2nd year of college, I was working in retail and thought that’s what I wanted to do… so I left school to do that.

I worked a couple of retail jobs over the span of 4 years before leaving that industry permanently. I was in love with the business side of things, the visual merchandising and the marketing. I then fell into being an administrative assistant, and finally, when moving to Florida I landed a job in the boating industry where I helped build a business and was able to do what I loved doing (from the retail standpoint).

In my middle school years, there was this game that we played called reality store or something like that. We gathered in the library, were given a piece of paper and we had to draw (out of a bag/hat/whatever) what kind of job we had with that salary. We would go around to each table where we had to pay bills and a certain amount was taken off the sheet. That was one of my most memorable times in middle school. I loved that game. Maybe I was already developing my love for ‘real life’ back then.

Out of all of this experience, I have found my real life and hands on experience to be most beneficial for me. Sitting in a classroom was okay but I was often bored and writing poetry or drawing in the corners of my notes.. unless it was a class that was quite interesting (like anything humanities, lol).

I became friends with a lot people from high school on Facebook and watched everyone “grow up” in front of me. I was sad that everyone was finding boyfriends or girlfriends and becoming serious with them, they had a path paved for them, some even got out of the city or state – and I was becoming so envious of them. They were getting a ton of experiences… while I had nothing. I was already freaking about being “older” and my quarter life BEFORE I turned twenty.

In school ~ I was more mature emotionally than a lot of people, but physically (getting to actually “do” things), I was way behind. I hated that. When I was doing research for my book in the first half of the year, I came across soooooo many dreams and goals that I had when growing up. I think that was one of the things that struck my chord of ‘man, one problem I’ve had my entire life is always dreaming and never achieving’ and, with that, I began my journey of finding and exploring me deep within the walls of soul.

Before I jump into that, though, I must mention that life didn’t really begin for me until I was 21-25. I felt like I missed out on so much that so much WAS shoved into those few years. I had the chance to travel a lot (back to Philly, 1st time to NY, 2 times to DC, back to TN, 2 times to FL), moved to North Carolina for two years then Florida, helped close down a store (another check off that bucket list), switched industries, met some of the most amazing people in 2009, etc. Also in a committed relationship…until that changed. All in all, I know I have been blessed with my life choices and life chances and nothing has ever been taken for granted.

But almost turning twenty seven and turning twenty seven has been the best year marker yet. I *finally* achieved that chance to tap into the part of me that’s determined to make my dreams come true. I’m done talking (for the most part) and ready to make things happen. Other than a to-do list, I’ve tried and failed at making bucket lists… If given a chance upon the spot between A and B, do you take it? Perhaps… especially if you didn’t know it was a dream of yours to do that, since it wasn’t on your bucket list, or you hadn’t thought about it before.

I always had a way of letting life control me, I just fell into whatever “career path” of a job that I got at the time. I couldn’t ever make up my mind of what I wanted to do. But it wasn’t until I got to reading some articles about teenagers and I actually got offended, then I realized, “Holy shit. Why am I getting offended at something written about teenagers????? I’m not a teen anymore, I’m (nearly) 27.” But.. that’s sort of a good sign because I still don’t look 27 (I hope) and I feel like I’m still early 20s. I definitely don’t feel my age, and with my thoughts and the way I conduct business, I can be defined as an old soul.

Now that I’ve accidentally told you my entire life history,  I’m getting the point of my writing this entry. Why am I, a female, so interested in Pirate life on the Sea and life as a Captain? All in all, I think it’s the whole life journey thing. It’s hands-on, and you have to be really good at what you’re doing in order to succeed in that world… not only that, but it’s a challenge and I am a woman going into a man’s world. And… a slight pinch of being adored kind of keeps me high.

As a Captain, you are in charge of your ship, the people on your ship and where you’re going. You have to see your course through and through. Viewing myself as a Captain in my own life, I finally have the chance to be in control. I have my map, the compass, directions and determined to go after whatever floats my soul at the moment. The Sea life is also unpredictable. Life is better that way.

Adventure always had me by the heart. I didn’t want kids; for the sheer fact that, if by the drop of a hat, I was asked on a trip, I could leave without any prep other than packing. And, if I were to be a “mom”, I’m such an animal person. I really seriously want one of every animal one day, including the ones from God’s green Earth and his Seas. You guys know how much I gush over my BFF, Mr Hans.

Being a Pirate – being a Sailor – being a Captain gives that ‘flight to freedom’… of which, I love the feeling of. Being free. To do whatever. Whenever. (But how can I say this when I find myself working all the time, haha.)

One day, I really hope that my story changes some younger souls when they read it. As one that has always wanted to be a teacher but never pursued that career, I want to help those teenagers and early 20 year olds who have no clue why they’re here on Earth find their path. To give advice, to be a cheerleader, to help them find their inner Sailor to sail their life and explore… to follow their map that THEY create… and even if you’re a 30+ year old still trying to find what you’re supposed to do – watch The Giant Mechanical Man and your life will be changed.

The last couple of years, I’ve turned my life around. I went from feeling like I’ve not done anything or accomplished anything, to feeling like I have everything in the world by just having dreams come true. I went from no changes in my early years to all the changes in the world – especially this last year. I’m forever grateful for every experience I’ve had and for every second chance I’m given… and for being prepared and given that allotted time to figure out this summer that all I needed to do was to follow my dreams in the industry of which I belong…

At twenty seven, I finally found me. At twenty seven, I finally have a career path. At twenty seven, one of my BIGGEST dreams will be coming true soon: publishing a book: after all the years of talking about doing that. At twenty seven, I have been out on my own for quite some time and have been able to support myself and pay my bills and pay for anything I’ve wanted or needed. At twenty seven, I don’t have a house yet because having a house means settling to me. I don’t want to settle. I would rather own a boat because it can move from place to place.

The only thing missing at twenty seven is #27, that f’ing flamingo I almost had a chance to thief in Vegas last year, but chickened out and ruined my Pirate name. (If you don’t know this joke, then wait to read it in my book.)

MY ADVICE to everyone in the world that’s worrying about finding your path or whether you should be married, having kids or owning a house or whatnot at a certain age… just STOP.

You need to find YOU before YOU settle down. Find your energy and what you want. Never settle. Learn those lessons. Be positive. Be smart. Love life. Take life for what it is. The way you handle your downfalls in life is how your character will be perceived. What you make out of life is totally yours. Please don’t use YOLO. Travel. Journal. Treat yourself well. Love and love often. Just LIVE. STOP making excuses. Dream and dream often. BE DETERMINED. Success is measured in happiness, not materialistic things or money. Don’t pay attention to what other people have. MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE UNIQUE THAN ANYONE ELSE’S. Life’s payoff is yours and yours alone. If you were given one more day to live, will you be happy about how you left? Have you done everything you wanted? Your only regrets should be if you haven’t done something. Live and live well.

Readers, please… for me… LIVE LIFE UNIQUELY. I can’t stress this enough. If you follow the path of everyone else, you will become just another robot. Make your “AMERICAN DREAM” your own and not about white picket fences and children and one career your entire life. Make a change in the world. Contribute. Volunteer. Be lovely. Be yellow when everyone else wears black. Take something that’s broken and nourish it back to life instead of taking something brand new (the results and feelings you will have after this will be better and you will feel better about yourself, too).

If you are continuously positive even when times get really tough, believe me, if you WORK REALLY HARD things will pay off. You will soon find that your dreams are coming true because YOU helped make it happen. Don’t have enough money? Don’t worry because once you have reached happiness and success without that, those material objects really don’t matter, and they’re just extra gems to living life. Dream and DREAM BIG because dreams DO come true… all it takes is YOU and a little (a lot) of effort and work. But, in the end, it is well worth it.

Also, don’t question everything. I found this does not help. Take it as a life lesson and use it to your ability. Life is mysterious for all the right reasons.

[2/6/2020 added note: Dear Younger Me, you are now Jewish, therefore, what the hell were you doing giving advice on not to question everything? YES! DO QUESTION EVERYTHING! IT’S IN YOUR BLOOD. Also, Dear Younger Me: What happened to you when you got older? Why did you let everything consume you and nearly kill you with depression yet again? Get offline, and start doing again. Read your books, write your poetry, make advice become your art, and connect your intuition with your old soul again. Get your shit together, figure out what you truly want, map out your dreams and follow them, because on the other side of that is a beautiful woman waiting to love you and that can’t be done until you are finally you – through and through.]

Thoughts in between the thoughts.

First of all, I have to remember that when I ask the Genie for something, she usually delivers….needless to say I asked for lesbian energy, and I got it, an overabundance full of energy… an overflowing waterfall of energy, so to speak… so much that Sunday I was just drained with/from emotion. I can’t even write about Saturday and Sunday right now because I’m trying to process my thoughts silently before I say them out loud or type them. I guess I need to use a notebook to really figure it all out. I mean, I guess there’s nothing really to figure out, it’s just like when I finished reading Anne Frank’s friend’s book… It’s just a lot. Pieces of the weekend that effects me deeply like so deep within the soul and cutting me open to let me bleed out.. that kind of thing.

There were so many moments that I was brought to tears, especially during the Nia & Ness show and the last event from yesterday where we did a Q&A. I definitely have a lot to say about the Nia & Ness show but I want to email them my thoughts first, then figure out how to put it into words here. Both of the moments I mentioned were so raw – so deep – so real – so everything like I’ve never really felt before. It opened up another piece of me and made me really think.

I almost feel like a fraud. I’m not, if you know me, you know I’m definitely not a fraud. I might be confused sometimes or not know myself (like most don’t anyway) or change their minds (I do that a lot too), but I’ve tried my best to be real as much as I can even if it means hurting my heart/soul/everything. The reason I even say that about myself is because the show and Q&A there were levels of thinking and commenting that went so deep. So much that some people are afraid to look this deep in the eye. I definitely feel like my art (the few paintings I even have) are just surface bound. I’m not Dali – if you see his work – it’s so deep – and you read so much into it. A picture is worth a thousand words. That’s kinda how deep things were, or got. With my writing, I’m there at the surface, but what do I feel underneath? What do I actually really feel? I feel like this experience this weekend will help me improve my writing skills and getting to that level of depth.

One thing that I do want to say since I’m holding everything else back: I told the ladies I was on the ReadOut committee with that while sitting there at the event this weekend I felt as comfortable and at home there with hundreds of lesbians, as I did when I researched Judaism, became Jewish and attending all the events with my Jewish fam. I’m not sure why 2017 Hanukkah was the chosen date, not sure why all the things that happened in 2018 happened the way they did, especially me taking the intro to class because of it not being offered this year, me converting on Anne Frank’s birthday and the other pieces in between while on my Jewish journey. I do not know why some time last year I decided to contact this ReadOut committee and ask to join. Even though I have spent my entire life supporting LOVE of all kinds (I mean.. hello Rent 24/7)…2018 opened up something and brought me to questioning 100%, 2019 brought me to dipping my toes in the water, and 2020: my roaring twenties my very own jazz age I have decided that I am no longer questioning but I know. For a fact. 100%. Just like I knew I was a Jewish soul. And it’s been a long time hiding.

What a journey this is becoming. More from me in a couple of days.

A come to Jesus moment.

Oh hey, Shabbat Shalom! I’m almost way too tired to write considering it’s been a long day since the crabs woke me up at 3-4am, I worked half the day, then working at the festival tonight…. I also had wine at our last event of the evening, so you all know what that means. I need sleep. Terribly. But… I didn’t want to forget my fresh feelings from tonight, so here goes…

Lesbian energy. Whew. That is something fabulous. There’s nothing better than being in a room full of lesbians who are very happy because they clearly love who they are and where they’re at in life (celebrating), therefore, putting out some great energy. I love it, I love it, I love it. How much is too much to express how much I loved being in a room full of lesbians?

We set up in the small room at the front of the library for our first panel which was romance. There were so many people–place was packed to the gills–and I was severely fighting claustrophobia. I had a black faux tux jacket and a thin velvet jacket on with a tank underneath. Trust me, it got so warm in there, I took 2/3 of those things off. I was almost still too hot but I had nothing more to strip out of – ha!

So… reading panels: holy guacamole…. was some of what was read from the authors smokin-hot. There were a few reads that I nearly lost my mind because it was borderline erotica-romance…but in the most classy of ways. And it was breath taking. There are a few authors I’d love their books because of the content. There’s one author that wrote about Jewish lesbians back in 1800s? early 1900s? something like that, and it’s driving me batshit crazy that I can’t seem to find the play that I read for TP’s 2020 SOAs, because it seemed like it was written from that same author. I will have to find my notes because I wrote down what each play was about with notes. Our creator read from her memoir about her first time with a woman. I love it. It’s so real and brave to share such intimate details. One of my favorites read a very juicy poem that was breath taking as well.

After that sesh was over, we cleaned up as fast as we could, and then broke for an hour and half of break. I walked to one of my normal places and ran into someone from the theatre. He asked me what I was doing and I told him and he said he didn’t realize I was part of the family. I was like, “What?” He meant LGBTQ. We talked through the whole time about our previous show, other shows, and such. After we ate, we said goodbye, and at the goodbye he said he didn’t realize that I was LGBTQ because I wasn’t anything particular (leaning one way or another to be stereotyped) … I was just being myself.

I walked back to the library and we continued the evening with wine and cheese. The authors–who could be there–were all introduced as well as our keynote speaker and our entertainment couple taking place at the CH tomorrow night. They gave such a beautiful teaser preview. It was so real that you could feel everything – one of them danced while the other spoke in poetry. Beautifully dramatic that brought out the feels.

I will have more to say Saturday and Sunday after I’ve seen more panels, but this whole writers panel thing is cool. I can’t believe I’ve never attended anything like this before. I went and saw Leslea Newman last year while she was at TBE, so that was a little different. I attended a reading for Sue Ellen Cooper (of the Red Hat Society) with Momma at Joseph Beth back home, but I don’t even remember it. I just know I have her book signed and a photo with us. Other than that, I really don’t think I’ve done anything….which is terrible considering once I redo my books and get some new ones done, I’m going to have to go out and do panels or readings or etc…. which is extremely frightening to me at the moment. And how do I say that after all the theatre I’ve done to get me out of the shell I’m in? I have no idea. I need to go back and grab some of that 2018 energy I had where I was practically fearless and felt I could do just about anything…. and I did.

Other Overall Thoughts: for this entire Friday event, I was thinking…. how much I belonged there. To this group. It’s the same feelings I had when I found Judaism and became Jewish. It’s a part of me… my whole life, it’s just taking me this long to come to the realization and admit to it and / or receive it as G-d gives it to me at this given time… for whatever purpose that might be… that as soon as I discovered Judaism, here I am, discovering yet another part of me and life is unraveling at the seams. Everything I had ever thought I’d known or felt I was–I wasn’t–I am finally becoming the authentic me. I feel a lot happier admitting that to myself tonight. Now that I’ve acknowledged it, now I have to continue on that path, and work towards becoming even more me.

Now, please pass me some of that strong lesbian energy, because I need it to fulfill some plans I’m about to do on a crazed whim that may bring my life to a crazy rollercoaster ride. We shall see.

Thought Process poem by Karen Maeby for dversepoets, originally written/posted 4/21/2012

Today on dversepoets it’s all about paying debt. This is a great theme for me right at this moment, due to a decision I made a few hours earlier than dverse hour. Below the poem is where I’ve been and what possessed me to write…

Thought Process
by Karen Maeby © 4/21/12

I met my soul at the cash register:

I was unloading every single thought and every single
thing going on with me at the moment.
Pulling each one out and placing it on the belt.

Everyone was looking at me funny
as they watched each shape and size thought
be placed in front of them.

One, twenty, twenty one, fifty, fifty one –
we get to 1,000
and my soul stops the belt. No more incoming thoughts
—— can pass.

“You’ve run out of time,” my soul says.
I stand there, stunned. “But I still have more left to give..”
“Nope. You’re holding up the process.”

My soul stands there, not allowing me
to move on, to add any more thoughts, nothing.

“What’s my total?” I say, worried.
“You currently owe about a million dollars and one lifetime to yourself.”

I am nearly blown away by that amount.
And, I nearly pass out.

Was I alive, still?

Minutes later, a part of me hands me a journal
and an organizer. My Soul tells me that I need
to prioritize my life with work, what I really want
and what I really need to do. Stop with the
meaningless projects, and the things that will not
make a difference. You’re going to be paying
debt to me (your soul) if you don’t.
Finish something,
breathe, don’t take on too much, prioritize what
you take on.

Beads of sweat float down my body,
after the severe chills:
here comes the fever. Medication.

I need the medication
for I am really truly sick this time.

Now, I know what it means
to owe debt to my soul.

Let this spring cleaning happen.

Dim the Stars into the Night, originally posted 4/30/2010.

12.14.2019: So, apparently, I’m going to be taking all of you (and myself) down the journey of a younger me because I am trying to do research on myself to help me and where I’m going and piecing together what I’m supposed to be doing in this lifetime after-conversion. I know that didn’t come out right, but that is the mess that’s inside my brain. Otherwise, the conclusion out of all of this research into a younger me will inspire the older me to create some kind of a book. Whether it’s poetry, non-fiction / narrative, sorta-kinda fiction or maybe a play or script. Either way, I’m kind of having fun looking back at all of the things I had forgotten I wrote. I hope you guys are too. Everything has been sitting on my computer since I downloaded it and I haven’t looked at it in years. Also… I was living in NC at the time of the below post.

4.30.2010:

If a star has a lot of life to live but has dimmed out for the time being, can that mean once it get its needed break, it will know how to glimmer once again? 

Tonight, as I was borderline another crazy breakdown, I had to get to the lake as fast as possible. Fighting within myself, left brain vs right brain – one giving the other a “black eye” – so to speak. That quote above? Was something I thought of while there admiring the water, thinking.

I wrote what I think I needed, I wrote what I needed, I wrote what I needed to do. It was just chatter on paper, that was it, but it was fulfilling enough to make me realize something.

“I need to do what I say. Finish what I start. Retrieve what I’m after and what I really want. I want to die within the soul of music, let it flow like water over my body. I want to write, do good by writing, change some lives. Change my stars, fix them with bandage. I need to know what I want. I need to stop wasting time. The now is here, I need to get my focus on.” – Paragraph of what I wrote there.

I am that star that needed a break {being dimmed down out of the spotlight} but now, after I’ve ‘grown’ completely out of that being dim stage…I’m after what will make me glimmer once again. I AM on the path of that, it just takes a while, yes, I realize and I know. It takes a lot of hard work, I just need to lay out the plan on my steps and take one step at a time to get there. The big ending, final finish, will be well worth the work and wait.

The answer is finding the flame that lights the star
and finding the one glisten of the sun that reflects off the water
and finding out what makes the water flow
and the wind blow…
and the line in the sky

The answer is within me.
Ignite me. Light my fire. Make me shine – the brightest – that’s what I desire.  

Two weekends ago I went home to my parents. I went back for answers. I went back to tie up loose ends. I went back to “find what I was looking for.” I did all of this – alone. I did find what I was looking for, I fixed what needed to be fixed and I even found the very perfect ending to my Push Pin Memories story. I haven’t written about the trip back home, I haven’t even posted pictures or the rest of the videos. I spoke about my vacation on Twitter, if you kept up with that. Since being back, SOME things are clearer, I feel tons of peace within myself for the fixed relationships… and good things really keep happening. I have no reason to be unhappy. 

But still, even after all of this, there just came that breaking point where I needed to go clear my mind… and going and sitting on a picnic table right near the lake did it for me. It’s like I could breathe again. My thoughts weren’t so harsh, my pen flowed on paper, the clouds in my mind went away… I was sitting on a picnic table that was on the dock where the water was all around me on every side except behind me. I felt my soul being flowed from my body to the water… I felt my soul be in the water… felt my soul be the ripples flowing through the water… and it felt so good.  

I needed that today. 

Frozen – in time –
the world moves all around me… as I sit still…
admiring the life being lived around me,
I say, “Peace? Be with me, be real.”  

(Added this poem here because it’s appropriate.)

Stepping Outside of My Comfortable Skin
by Karen Maeby © 9/27/10

I took the six-layer sweater off my back today.
No sleeves, I say; just let me be free.
Free to feel the wind on my bare back.
Oh – not enough, not enough!
One, two, three… there’s so many layers…
I keep peeling them off.

Pretend; I look in the mirror, nose squished.
I always hate what I see.
Put the camera away, zoom down
I pull the bottoms of my pants up
reveal the rock’n rain boots. Today is ROCK!
I smile. I feel angst today.
I splash through the standing rain on the soaked ground
when I’m walking to my vehicle.

I get in and drive.
It’s raining; pouring and pouring and it just won’t stop.
Hasn’t stopped in over two days now.
The windshield wipers wipe away the rain.
Tears? Nawh. Just seems like a day to wipe away fears.
I am, after all, without six layers of my skin.

I want to step outside
and take a little dance in the rain.
WHO THE FUCK AM I? – I want to scream.
I need to step outside the extra skin,
peel back… let my soul out, give in.
It’s tough stepping outside of my comfortable skin.